Some bands can survive a major upheaval and some cannot: Metallica and ACDC both bounced back after losing key figures in their line-up. Some bands can survive regeneration and some cannot: Velvet Revolver, now denuded of Scott Weiland, are essentially what Guns N Roses should have become and EVERYBODY KNOWS IT – where is ‘Chinese Democracy,’ eh? Stone Gods, assembled from the still smouldering remains of The Darkness’ diva-nova… tries. Okay, I’m being generous.
So Dan Hawkins, 2nd bassist Richie Edwards, Toby MacFarlaine and Ed Graham all got an unquenchable thirst for rock n roll and decided to keep it real by forming their own band. Only problem is, it sounds like a typical half-arsed project engaged in by middle-aged men (like me) to stave off responsibility and realisation; it’s crisis rock. Oh, and they forgot to bring any songs of their own.
This sounds really harsh, but to be honest one of the best things you can do with this album is play ‘spot the riff-off.’ ‘Burn The Witch’ boosts Iron Maiden’s ‘Aces High’ and Skid Row’s ‘Monkey Business,’ ‘Don’t Drink The Water’ lifts the intro from Rush’s ‘Spirit Of Radio’ so blatantly you’d expect to see Geddy Lee packing heat and heading for Lowestoft, ‘For Whom The Bell Tolls’ is stolen… twice! See how many you can spot. If this album were a shop, it would be that dodgy exchange place full of ‘honestly sold’ TVs. There is some semi spirited guitar work from Dan Hawkins, but he loses interest and goes for the easy option, slapping together some easy chromatics or brief tri-tonics, leaving you teased and tormented in the worst of ways. The rhythm section show little or no flair, being content to plod along and push out the beat like a metronomic sausage machine. But the worst is yet to come. Avert your eyes, those of an easily offended disposition.
Those lyrics suck the arse of Beelzebub! Misogynistic, xenophobic and just plain crass – if you get through the first two tracks (“the flames are gonna lick around your wizard’s sleeve” has to be the worst lyric since “I’m as serious as cancer”) you will not be rewarded for your determination. Trying to ape ACDC’s effortless lasciviousness requires the usage of double-entendre and wit, not single entendre and swearing: “you’ve brought a knife to a gun fight… so fuck you!” Oh, how awfully drole. I can see what Richie is trying to achieve, I think; it’s grittiness, but all he acheives is clunkiness. And as for doing a protest song in the name of all-day drinking? Right, so we all get annoyed at musicians doing politics, but this is moronic and I LOVE to drink. You might be thinking this all sounds a bit Spinal Tap and Spinal Tap are funny, but that’s the point: Spinal Tap are funny; these guys are serious.
To hold off from the scathe for a moment, this album is undeniably catchy. I mean, it’s got to be if you’re using so many half-inched riffs. But it’s let down by such amateurish delivery. If The Darkness was all about reviving the pomp and glamour of the seventies, this is about seeing a tired old 80’s/90’s rock band trying to revive the worst excesses of that period in a pub playing to a group of aging rockers too drunk to care anymore. I know this will upset some people who think that rawk should be raucous, but there are so many other bands doing it so much better who won’t get half the attention. If you want something musically saucy, check out last year’s debut from ‘The Films.’ If you want something filthy, get ‘Moist Boys IV.’This? A vague shadow of something that could have been so unashamedly old school but just ended up being embarrassing.
Popularity: 46% [?]
This quintet of lads from Liverpool have once again created a successful, toe-tapping tune that will definitely get you dancing along!